Essay Option 1.
Othello and Iago. Dorothy and the Wicked Witch. Autobots and Decepticons. History and art are full of heroes and their enemies. Tell us about the relationship between you and your arch-nemesis (either real or imagined).
Inspired by Martin Krzywy, admitted student Class of 2016.
People fight against their enemies to
defend themselves either physically or mentally. They fight over a power to
control their fates. Writing this essay, I am warding off my arch-nemesis,
landing silently on my shoulder and whenever I get to start something important.
This invisible enemy is “Fear”, fear not to be successful.
It was last semester, in the middle of May.
I was standing in front of four peers, and a teacher was sitting in the back of
the office. Nothing was peculiar, even that I blundered my presentation. I was
to hear a contrite comment that I had heard after every presentation: “I see
your effort, but I could not hear you. You looked too embarrassed. Why don’t
you have confidence with your work?” I had not answered the last question
verbally, but had only thought to myself, “Confidence? I was always confident
with my work, but the only problem is that no one catches that emotion.”
Finally the teacher opened his mouth, however, with unexpected inquiry: “Why,
do you think, do you give a presentation to us?” Why had I spoken in front of
others? After all, I had always blamed my tone and the insensibility of the
teachers and returned to individual works, which had generally had an acceptable
quality, sometimes even been excellent. Why should I preconclude a public
speech is an embarrassing moment that shall pass? Why not try to break this
enduring pain?
While I was in this chain of thought, the class
was finished. Fear was now banishing with the bell.
I wanted to be perfect. But whenever I try
my best, I would hear Fear slicking through the window, tiptoeing toward me, and
landing on my shoulder. Every motion of Fear would amplify and confuse me. It
was all because of Fear. I really wanted to be perfect. At least I hoped for
the best in the real presentation on the next day.
Not to be distracted from the presentation,
I could expect two scenarios: I would concentrate on the presentation, ignoring
Fear, or practice presentation until I could recite it automatically. A strong-willed
human or a cold machine? What would I choose?
I decided to be a machine, unsatisfyingly. Hey,
life is not a drama. No one can change one’s persona in a day. I wanted
something real and certain. The days and nights I spent for the research
and the presentation were real. They deserved rewards.
That night I repeated the presentation in
front of the mirror in the bathroom, over and over. First,
I read the script I wrote over and over. Then, I could recite the script without
looking at it. Finally, I looked in the mirror, and checked my tone and
posture. There, in the mirror, Fear was staring at me, hopping and running
around. After several times, my tongue and my neck were moving by themselves.
I was still greatly annoyed; nonetheless, it was impossible to stop my voice. In
the mirror, there wasn’t me, but only Fear.
“You cannot defeat me from now on; because,
there is no one to defeat.”
The lonely enemy trudged away. My effort
was finally rewarded in the next morning. Yet, as soon as I came back to my room, I could clearly see the enemy hanging on my shoulder.
Theme is good, and some parts of the essay have strong narrative tone. But the context of your essay, and the anecdote itself, are a bit unclear. Is this the same presentation? What happens in the end? Also, what is the presentation about? Minor details are not important, but the average reader will kind of want them and expect them, and if you overlook them you might kind of frustrate your audience. This is very similar to your paper version written in class, if not identical, so I had hoped you would build on that and iron out the wrinkles. Still seems like a first draft, but most of the writing is good.
답글삭제